You reported a virus, Mr. Kaier

Well, that’s at least what Lloyds TSB told me on the phone. Awkward. I never reported a virus on my PC. Not on Jan 10th (as I was told). And certainly not on a PC – excuse me lady, but I’m a mac! So what’s the issue?

The issue is that my internet banking login does not work – for a few days now. On a Friday evening I try again to login – and fail at the same error message: ‘We’re sorry, but we don’t recognise the user ID you entered…‘ Calling the hotline, I get the answer that I reported I had a virus, on January 10th. Funny that! Of course, I’m not a pro in IT. I’m only an enthusiast since the age of 12. But lady, seriously – there is no actual virus for a mac. Furthermore, I should be the first person to remember that I’ve reported something only 3 days ago. Early onset dementia – unlikely!

After 2 more minutes on hold – there you go, it wasn’t me reporting a virus (surprise surprise), it was the system that spotted a virus. Firstly, lady – we’re going in circles here – no virus, not on mac, and how did you spot some sort of abnormality in the first place, with me not having used any software of Lloyds TSB?

Secondly, why – the heck – doesn’t my bank tell me when they are convinced that there is a security issue?

So I get put through to the supervisor. A lady who kindly lectures me on the fact that my Mac is not as safe as I always thought (there are viruses out there affecting Macs, Mr. Kaier). Unfortunately, she cannot explain, how their system at Lloyds TSB might have spotted an abnormality leading to the lock down. Apparently they check with other websites. Very trustworthy indeed. It might be my IP address shining up somewhere suggestive of a potential virus threat. But that’s only part of their security/anti-fraud system. The very same lady lecturing me about safety on a computer does not know how their systems work, which should prevent me and my account from getting hacked/abused/etc.

Bottom line is: I need to run (or: pretend to run) a virus scan on my Mac before contacting the call centre again to unlock my account. Whether I actually do that or not does not really matter – how should they ever be able to check? Guess what – I just did that, and there is nothing. Nada. Niente!

Furthermore: the Lloyds TSB hotline is happy to lecture me on online security, but does not have a clue about how they actually check the integrity of my IT environment. They lock your account without even telling you so – remember the error message stating that my user ID is not recognised? That does not automatically prompt me to think down the line of a security issue. How can it happen, that I receive the information that I locked the account myself? Last but not least: If you are, hypothetically, really concerned about me having a virus – why do you not contact me, your customer?